Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to s hare with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.  When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied:  a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."