Getting Rid of the Cat!

Harry really hated his old lady's cat. So he put it in the car and drove twenty blocks away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting on the porch. The next day he decided he would take the cat 40 blocks away and drop it off.  But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day he kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it's way home.

Harry was so furious that he decided to take the cat a few miles away, turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of blocks, then left again. Harry then dropped the cat off.

Hours later, he called his wife on the phone, "Honey, is the cat there?"

 "Yeah, she answers." "Why?"

Harry replies, "Put the freaking cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

No More Children!

 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me, I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, and then hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both  physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

 

John invited his Mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his Mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate
Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate.



Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between John and the roommate than
meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I can't find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
your Mom took it, do you?" and John said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."



John wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the
gravy ladle from my house and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy
ladle but the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner. Love, John."



Several days later, John received a letter from his mother.

John's Mother wrote:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Julie but the
fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now, Love Mom."

Have A Fun Day
Keep Up With Your Gravy Ladle

There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
one morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago
we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should we get naked?"

He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the
buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago!"

"I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!!!"