Hanging On to Dear Life

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
 for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands.

Has this ever happened to you?

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" 

"NO"!  the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?  Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"  In the back of the room, a 5 year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead"!

The Blonde Pregnant with Twins

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going tohave TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said,  "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"