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A good laugh is great medicine


 SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A BLONDE
 

A Great Retirement Present

 
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

 

 

Posted by Topaz at 8:56 AM - 34 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 HA-HA
 

~ How To Shower Like a MAN ~

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, scratch yourself and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a wash cloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

15. Partially dry off.

16. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

17. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

18. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

19. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

20. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Posted by Topaz at 9:12 AM - 35 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 HA-HA
 

Speed Limit

 
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

Posted by Topaz at 8:21 AM - 30 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 wow
 

Redneck Newlyweds



A week after their marriage,
the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"
said the husband.

"My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual,"
said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,
the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife.
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"

Posted by Topaz at 8:03 AM - 33 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 SMART
 

The Successful Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Posted by Topaz at 8:12 AM - 29 Comments   Add a Comment  
 
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  About Me
Author: Topaz
From USA
 
This blog is about...
Life is full of heartaches-laughter will help to deal with the stress.
 
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