An extremely modest man 

was in the hospital for a series of tests.

The last test had left his system upset. 

For hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom.

Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so he stayed put.  

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea! 

He was SOOOO embarrassed! 

       Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

      As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital.

 

Suddenly, the sheets landed on him!  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.  As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, 

"What in the world was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

 

Three Old Men

    

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

 "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

 "I don't wake up until 7:00!"

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Timmy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Billy leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."