Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, and medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out
and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and a complete
medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked
him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, an electrocardiogram,
took his blood pressure and told him to take off
all of his clothes and wait for the doctor,

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and
asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck.
Where  do you want them?"

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods,

all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up

to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

he called into the cave and then he

listened very closely until he heard an answering,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian

what that was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

"No," said the Indian.

"It is our custom during mating season

when Indian men see cave,

they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!"

into the opening. If they get an answer back,

it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate" .

Just then they saw another cave.

the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave,

stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately,there was a answering .

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

from deep inside the cave.

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods

and then he came upon a great big cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening,

he was thinking, "Hoo, man!

Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big,

fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation,

and then he heard the answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

The following day, the headline of the Local Newsaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

The Blonde Gal

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one 
night he's doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he 
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde 
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What 
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

"What does the color of a person's hair have to do 
with her worth as a human being? "

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being 
respected at work and in the community and from reaching 
our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind 
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
 but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when
 the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
 to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

Grandma's Surfin' The Net!

Grandma used to make us cherry pies 
And call us on the phone 
She would talk to us for hours; 
Now she leaves us all alone.
We miss her homemade biscuits 
And I'll make this little bet - 
If you want to contact Grandma, 
You'll have to surf the net.



Grandma's surfin' the net, 
We've been calling her all morning 
And we haven't got her yet 
She's on her e-mail network 
With her electronic friends 
If you want to talk to Grandma,
 You'll have to surf the net.



Grandma's never surfed at Malibu 
Or caught a wave at Waikiki 
She's never seen a surf board; 
Hang ten doesn't mean a thing.
She's never met a beach bum; 
To her Moon Doggie is just a pup 
But when she heads to her computer, 
You know the surf is up.



Grandma's getting older 
And her eyes are getting dim 
Her random access memory
 Is half of what it's been 
When St. Peter comes to call, 
She'll say I can't go yet 
He'll just have to wait on Grandma, 
'Cause Grandma's surfin' the net.

 

THE OUTHOUSE

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet-red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised,
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"