This guy was lonely, and decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and
told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came
in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start
off by taking his new pet
to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This
bothered him a bit, but
he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from
his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you
the first time! I'm putting on my darn shoes."

Heavenly Rewards

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearfully said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"