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A good laugh is great medicine


 A Wish
 

Bad Wish

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean.
They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions
before their ship slipped under the surface.



After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.
On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation,
they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp.
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.



Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys,
and, quite frankly, I'm burned out.
You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here... so make it a good one."

The first guy blurted out, without thinking,
 "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"



"Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer.

"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy,
slapping the first guy on the side of the head.
"Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
 

Posted by Topaz at 8:11 AM - 24 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Yodeling
 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.Night fall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs

and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands ofstraw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early."I don't know," said the farmer."I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she come back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up

and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father.

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,

"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

And THATS's how yodeling began.

Posted by Topaz at 8:18 AM - 23 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Having fun!
 

Ladies Night Out

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a 10 note.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the 10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20 note.

She called the guy back, licks the 20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a 50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the 50 note.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!

Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the 50 note.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.....what could I do??

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home!!

Posted by Topaz at 8:50 AM - 34 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Smart Dog
 

 

Cuddles, One Smart Poodle !!

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullcrap  and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Bonus thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted by Topaz at 9:23 AM - 34 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 wow
 

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,

"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Posted by Topaz at 8:05 AM - 32 Comments   Add a Comment  
 
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  About Me
Author: Topaz
From USA
 
This blog is about...
Life is full of heartaches-laughter will help to deal with the stress.
 
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