A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all


And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap


Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.


4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick -- Stay   away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy tail.


 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
 "because you are my friend".
 

Squeezing Every Last Drop

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.  As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."