This is dedicated to everyone who has ever been embarrassed
by a child's words or action.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old
daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a
while, so I asked, and he said "No". I kept thinking,  "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me. "Then I said,
"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just
knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.
So...........I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and sprea! d ! his cheeks
and yelled.... ..."See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up
his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.  I was
mortified......but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an'

gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he crap in my pants, too."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin
because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks
a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son,
after an exhaustive search, I am positive sex is work
and is not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to minister, an experience married man, for
the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
'Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!'

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate
authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son,
sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The rabbi speaks softly, "If sex were work, my wife
would have the maid do it."

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."