As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a newly established cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back-hoe and the crew which were already eating their lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, but stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers all gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say Amen, "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I really got into it, as I preached, and I preached, like I had never preached before: from Genesis to Revelation.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers saying to another,

"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The Day My Wife Met My Girlfriend

click on link...have speakers on...hope you have a hearty laugh..hiliarous..

LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A
> QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T
> PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER. IN A TRIAL, IN A SMALL
> TOWN in TEXAS, A
> PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A
> MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER,
>
> AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.
>
> HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU
> KNOW ME?"
>
> SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I MEANA, YES I KNOW YOU MR.
> WILLIAMS I KNOWN YOU
> SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A
> BIG DISAPPOINTMENT
> TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU
> MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND
> TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE
> A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU
> HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT
> TO NOTHIN' BUT A TWO
> BIT! PAPERPUSHER. YES I KNOW YOU."
>
> THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO
> DO, HE POINTED ACROSS
> THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE
> DEFENSE ATTORNEY?
>
> SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YESH I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR.
> RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS
> A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, GORDO, AND HE HAS A
> DRINKING PROBLEM. HE
> CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE
> HAS THE WORST LAW
> PRACTICE IN THE STATE. HA! AND NOT TO MENTION HE
> CHEATED ON HIS WIFE
> WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR
> WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I
> KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM."
>
> THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED. THE JUDGE ASKED
> BOTH COUNSELORS
>
> TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE
> SAID, "IF EITHER OF
>
> YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO
> THE ELECTRIC
> CHAIR."

A cowboy is sitting in a bar and a cute woman sits down next to him.

She asks:" Are you a real cowboy?"

He says:" Well, I get up in the mornin and feed the stock. I ride a horse. I mend fences and herd cattle. I believe, I'm a real cowboy.

Then the cowboy asks the woman:" What are you?"

She replies:" I'm a lesbian. I get up in the morning and think about women. When I sleep, I dream about women, and when I want to have sex, I want to have sex with women.

After a few minutes the woman leaves and a couple comes in and sits next to the cowboy and asks:" Are you a real cowboy?"

He replies:"I thought I was, but now I think Im a lesbian."