Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Grandpa and Grandma were spending a few weeks to visit with their son and his family. One night, Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked him about taking one of the pills.
"Dad," his son replied, "I really don't think you should take one. They're very strong and besides that, they're very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," was the answer.
"That ain't bad," responded Grandpa. "I'd like to try one. All I have are $50 bills, so I'll go break one and leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. So as soon as he could, he spoke to Grandpa privately. "Dad, you gave me $110 but I told you the pill only cost $10."
"I know that, son," Grandpa replied. "The extra hundred is from Grandma

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

One of my bygone recollections,
> > As I recall the days of yore.
> > Is the little house, behind the house,
> > With the crescent over the door.
> >
> > 'Twas a place to sit and ponder
> > With your head bowed down low;
> > Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
> > If you didn't have to go.
> >
> > Ours was a three-holer,
> > With a size for every one.
> > You left there feeling better,
> > After your usual job was done.
> >
> > You had to make these frequent trips,
> > Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
> > To the little house where you usually
> > Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.
> >
> > Oft times in dead of winter,
> > The seat was covered with snow.
> > 'Twas then with much reluctance,
> > To the little house you'd go.
> >
> > With a swish you'd clear the seat,
> > Bend low, with dreadful fear.
> > You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth
> > As you settled on your rear.
> >
> > I recall the day Granddad,
> > Who stayed with us one summer,
> > Made a trip to the shanty
> > Which proved to be a hummer.
> >
> > 'Twas the same day my dad
> > Finished painting the kitchen green.
> > He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made
> > With rags and gasoline.
> >
> > He tossed the rags in the shanty hole
> > And went on his usual way,
> > Not knowing that by doing so,
> > He would eventually rue the day.
> >
> > Now Granddad had an urgent call,
> > I never will forget!
> > This trip he made to the little house
> > Lingers in my memory yet.
> >
> > He sat down on the shanty seat,
> > With both feet on the floor.
> > Then filled his pipe with tobacco
> > And struck a match on the outhouse door.
> >
> > After the tobacco began to glow,
> > He slowly raised his rear:
> > Tossed flaming match in the open hole,
> > With not a sign of fear.
> >
> > The blast that followed, I am sure,
> > Was heard for miles around;
> > And left poor grandpa
> > Just sitting on the ground.
> >
> > The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth,
> > His suspenders he held tight;
> > The celebrated three-holer
> > Was blown clear out of sight.
> >
> > When we asked him what had happened,
> > His answer I'll never forget.
> > He thought it must be something
> > That he had recently et!
> >
> > Next day we had a new one,
> > Which my dad built with ease.
> > With a sign on the entrance door
> > Which read: No Smoking, Please!
> >
> > Now that's the end of the story,
> > With memories of long ago,
> > Of the little house behind the house
> > Where we went when we had to go!