Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.

He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena.
He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
His body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
Made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up,
Pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
To see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
Putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled
And stumbled his way to bed.

In the morn ing, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head
And butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"

Ole said, "Why you say to me such a mean ting?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door,
It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
It could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his
new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he
discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives
a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . .
it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma

The Russian and the Redneck

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, you're finished"; the Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then, a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."