He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of Milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes you can, " said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fencerow. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you....."

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
> BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
> DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE
> ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
>
> THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
> THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO
> AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
>
> THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
> OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE
> OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS
> QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE,
> UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
> HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
>
> A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
> GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
> FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
>
> SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER Husband SITTING ON THE COUCH,
> DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
> ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
>
> THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
>
> THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown.

Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my oth! er bo ob wedged beween those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as pos! sible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba r eplied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
Got back the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
Romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
As we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
Words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!
"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
Be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
Embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
Your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook....

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother