My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My word!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.

His wife said, “You know, if you go on like this, you’re going to lose ALL your friends!”

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as
some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one
of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell
you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was
riding his Harley,lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the
hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken
scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were
obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has
trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.

He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and
he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold
them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer
cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our
love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the
congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good
as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this
terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken
up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation,
worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the
microphone to his liking,then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I
have only one word for my wife. Jill, that word is: sternum.{Chest bones}