Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber he got!"

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call."How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group
inTuscaloosa,
but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying
her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her
new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom--a roll of toilet
paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the
finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions
to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and
bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
mom.
Alice was horrified--she was beside herself. Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at
her and talking about her behind her back

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the
cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home
of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who
more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent
and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd,
she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South
and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
"What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good!"